Soaring Success

Occasionally people say things to us that can be mean and can leave a us feeling embarrassed and hurt or angry. Ask anyone and they will all agree there are experiences that have left them feeling frustration and stress, thinking, “I should have said…” It would be nice if we had an easy and effective way to verbally defend ourselves when people aren’t so nice. Here are 6 tips to help you be more effective at dealing with verbal abuse:

1. Recognize verbal abuse. When someone intentionally treats you in a way that creates feelings of fear, shame or guilt they’re probably using abusive tactics. Be aware of how you feel and identify specifically what they are doing that is creating those feelings (ex. specific words like name-calling, body language such as physical intimidation, tone of voice, etc.).
2. Control yourself by staying balanced. Practice by relaxing your body, standing/sitting up straight and staying calm while thinking about previous experiences. When the body is in balance the mind will follow and when the mind is in balance the body will follow. To help keep your balance begin by saying nothing – remember, it’s okay to not verbally fight back until you’re mentally ready.
3. Know your point of view and express it. It’s your job to take care of you, not to take care of your attacker – so stop trying to figure out what they want to hear. Speak only about your feelings & opinions and leave theirs alone. Help avoid confusion by making sure your non-verbal communication, such as body language, facial expression and tone of voice, is congruent with the verbal message you’re trying to send.
4. Use your senses effectively. People dislike being judged so avoid labelling, generalizing or summarizing things; instead, use sensory specific language. Talk about what you see, hear and feel – as an example, rather than asking “What are you angry about?” try something like “I noticed your eyebrows are all furrowed and you’ve been clenching your teeth. You’re angry about something, aren’t you?” If you feel it’s necessary to summarize then refrain from rewording what they say. Rather, quote their exact words back to them so they feel like you’re really paying attention and then ask for clarification about any details that are missing.
5. Ask for what you want. Once you’re aware that someone is verbally attacking you, decide what you want different and define it as a specific behaviour, like; “Stop calling me names.”, “Lower your tone of voice.” or “Let go of my arm.” Be certain you do ask for what you want. Hinting, suggesting or demanding is not as effective as just saying please. Unless something more important happens stay focused on your goal until you get their agreement.
6. Take a Verbal Self Defense course. Talk to your local rec. centers about offering verbal self-defense workshops, or ask your employer or a local non-profit club about organizing a class. Although the field of Verbal Self-Defense is relatively young, you can sometimes find seminars being offered in larger metropolitan areas.

These tips can really help a person maintain a sense of mental and emotional safety in the face of verbal aggression. In life there are so many different circumstances where Verbal Self-Defense skills are useful; Ted Mouradian of The Brock Press reports that, “Workplace bullying is on the rise and is recognized as a serious issue in variety of different industries.” On a more personal level, Statistics Canada shows 35% of women experience emotional abuse in their relationship. Recognizing the problem, having good posture while remaining relaxed, staying focused on what you want and clearly asking for it can go a long way to helping a person handle verbal aggression.

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